


Let you go

by Lalinka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 02:50:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/947729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalinka/pseuds/Lalinka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean wants them to be close to keep Sam safe. Sam wants to get as far away as possible to keep Dean safe. Which Winchester is going to win this round?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let you go

They were in yet another crappy motel in Nothingville, Nowhere. This one was even a little crappier than their average. The yellow paint, that was probably white once, was peeling off, there were wet stains in the corners and Sam had to get rid of a spider living in the shower, before he could use it, but they were driving for too long and needed a place to crash. The bed smelled bad and squeaked with every move, but it was a bed, so neither Sam nor Dean complained much about it.  
  
Dean fell asleep as soon as he hit the mattress, whereas Sam was laying on his side of the King size bed, staring into space and thinking. The latest hunt led them to a demon possessing women and making them commit crimes, then get caught and leave them to deal on their own. She had a sick habit of watching them try to explain what happened, like it was her own TV show. Before the Winchesters managed to exorcise her, she revealed something rather disturbing.  
  
 _“We have orders to take Sam alive, but you I’d be pleased to kill,”_ that was what the demon said to Dean. Sam had heard her very clearly.  _They are going to kill Dean to get to him!_  
  
Sam was terrified. And pissed. Because Dean didn’t seem to give a damn about it at all. He’d always been like that - all about protecting Sam, but if he gets killed in the process, that’s okay. Sam knew about Dean’s self-worth issues, but to Sam, Dean was the most precious thing in the world. He was his brother, surrogate father, caretaker, soulmate and lover, all wrapped into one wonderful package. Why couldn’t he see how much Sam needed him? How badly he wanted him to be safe?  
  
Sam chewed in his bottom lip and glanced at the peacefully sleeping form of his older brother next to him. He was grateful for every slack Dean cut himself, because Sam knew him better than anyone and he knew damn well, that Dean was trying his hardest to figure out, why were the demons after Sam and what did they want from him, when he was awake.  
  
Sam wanted to know, as well. He’d been frying his brain over it for the past three nights. Over that, and how to protect his stubborn, pain in the ass big brother.  
  
He’d gone over all possible options. Protection symbols, potions, spells...but he would have to force Dean to get himself tattooed from head to toe and eat a whole herb-garden a day, and there was no way Dean would ever go for something like that. Plus Sam could have missed something essential and he wouldn't put Dean in such risk.  
  
Dean sighed softly in his sleep and Sam caressed his back gently. There was always option number two.  
  
 _I’m gonna have to leave him,_ Sam thought and felt the tears piling up in his eyes.  
  
In all honesty, this was what occurred to him first, when he thought about ways of saving Dean from the demons that were after Sam and from his own self-carelessness, but he desperately wanted to find another way. There was no point in talking to Dean about it, because in Dean’s world, trying to protect Dean was none of Sam’s business, so he was on his own. And in three days, leaving him behind was still the worst best option he had.  
  
It made perfect sense; if Dean wasn't with him, the demons would go after Sam and leave Dean alone. Dean was a terrific hunter, he could take care of himself, but when Sam was around, he was breaking the hunting protocol all the time and getting beaten up badly, because of Sam. Sam was a danger to Dean and if he’d been worth anything, he would have left Dean’s side long time ago.  
  
But there was the relationship thing that was stopping Sam. He loved Dean. He loved him more than life itself and he knew how much it would hurt Dean if he’d just leave him. He would ask why and Sam didn't have any other reason, than the truth. And if he tried explaining the truth to Dean, Dean wouldn't understand. He would say that it’s safest for Sam to stick around and he would convince Sam to stay, mostly because Sam would want to be convinced.  
  
Sam was a selfish little bastard. If keeping Dean safe meant to get his heart broken, he should be doing it without any hesitation. Sam knew damn well, that if the situation were reversed, Dean wouldn't even think about it.  
  
He closed his eyes to keep the tears in and drew in a shaky breath. He’d made up his mind, he was leaving. He had to do it while Dean was away or asleep, because he would probably manage to stop him. He had to be untraceable, that meant getting rid of their old habits such as staying in the motel that was third in the yellow pages and he would have to get brand new fake IDs and phones. He decided to keep his current phone, though, at least for the first day, because Dean would call him after he’d discovered that Sam left and he wanted to explain himself through the phone at least. It was cowardly, Sam knew that, but it would ease Dean’s pain a little and by the time he’d call, Sam would be too far gone to come back.  
  
It was a good plan. The only fault was that Sam’s heart was breaking just thinking about doing it. He got up slowly and went to wash his face in the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror-bloodshot eyes with dark circles under them and a look full of pain. The pain slowly changed into horror, when the realisation struck him.  _He would have to leave tonight!_ He was still trying to find a way to convince himself to stay and he knew, that if he’d keep postponing it, he would never leave and Dean would get killed one of these days. And it would be Sam’s fault.  
  
Quietly, he put his jeans and his shirt on. Fortunately, they hadn’t had the time to unpack anything yet, so he just grabbed his duffel bag and tried to force his lags to walk away. He took one last look at Dean and let the tears fall from his eyes freely. He would probably never see him again. Losing Dean hurt more than anything so far. More than losing Jessica, more than losing their father. But he had to do it, so that he didn't lose Dean forever.  
  
He took a deep breath and whispered: “I love you, Dean. I'm sorry.” And then he turned around to walk away. When he opened the door, he heard Dean shift behind him.  
  
“Sammy?” Dean’s voice was croaked from sleep.  
  
Sam froze. What was he gonna do now? Was he going to lie to Dean? And which lie would hurt him the least? That he found someone else? That they were brother and Sam was freaking out about it now? That he wanted a normal life?  
  
“Getting us a midnight snack?” he heard Dean say with an easy tone.  
  
Sam’s heart clenched. He wiped away his tears quickly and tried to harden his face as much as possible. He had to go through with this. No matter the pain, Dean’s life was at stake here.  
  
“Dean...” he tried, but the words were failing him. What was he supposed to say?  
  
“Oh,” All the easiness gone, Sam knew that Dean had just figured out, what was going on. “S-Sam, you-you are...oh.”  
  
Sam turned around, but didn't look at Dean. He was too afraid of what he might see.  
  
“I have to go, Dean.”  
  
“Why?” Dean got out of the bed and approached him.  
  
“This...this isn't working, Dean!”  
  
That must have been one of the lamest reasons Sam had ever heard. And it wasn’t even the truth. And it was going to hurt Dean. He heard the sharp inhale of Dean’s breath and he finally looked up. Dean was looking away now, but the hurt was written all over his face. He was probably too surprised to put up his walls, but that didn’t matter. Sam would know he was hurting, even if Dean had the best poker face on.  
  
“So you’re just gonna walk out, huh? You’re just gonna leave  _again_ , instead of talking to me?  _You_ , who  _always_ had to talk about  _everything_! Am I not even worth a couple of words now?” Dean’s tone was angry, but Sam knew it was just pain in disguise. He was hurting along with Dean and his words weren’t helping.  
  
“All you can do is yell at me, Dean! Just...just let me go!” he turned around toward the door again.  
  
It wasn't a fair thing to say. Apart from this outburst, Dean hadn't really yelled at him for months. Sam felt the guilt, which was growing in chest, trying to stop him from breathing. But maybe this way Dean would hate him and it would be easier for him to deal with the break up.  
  
 _Yeah, keep lying to yourself, Sam!_ He thought sadly.  
  
“Sam, stop! Just-just look at me, please!” Dean said quietly, instead of yelling.  
  
Sam froze. He tried to slam the door behind him, he wanted to run away, but the desperation in Dean’s voice made him stop and turn around slowly.  
  
“Stop stalling, Dean, I made up my mind. Just let me go, it’s gonna be easier for the both of us.”  
  
Sam’s voice was steady and cold. The exact opposite of how he was feeling inside. But he was doing this for Dean. Even if Dean didn't understand.  
  
“No, I get it. I won’t try to stop you, I promise,” Dean choked out and that made Sam look at him again.  
  
His heart broke into million pieces at the sight. Dean’s eyes were full of pain, confusion and tears, but his jaw was clenched in the heroic effort of not letting them spill. And he was smiling. Dean Winchester was breaking right in front of his brother’s eyes and yet he was trying to show him, that it was okay, that whatever Sam wanted would be given to him, don’t worry, little brother.  
  
“I just don’t want us to part like this; yelling and hurting each other with words we don’t really mean,” Dean continued. His voice was trembling a little, but he was holding on.  
  
Every single cell in Sam wanted to hug him and erase the pain away, except for one that was telling him, that hurt Dean was still better than a dead one.  
  
Dean closed his eyes for a moment, obviously trying to steady himself, but when he opened them, the expression hadn’t changed a bit. His voice was firmer, though.  
  
“Whatever I did to drive you away...to make you feel that I didn’t love you enough...I’m sorry, Sammy, I really am. If you’re angry that I don’t already know, what it is, I promise I’ll do my best trying to figure it out.”  
  
“Dean-“Sam tried to stop him. Dean was taking it all wrong! He was supposed to be mad at  _Sam_ , not blame himself! Then again, how long did he know his brother? Dean would  _always_ blame himself. Three nights of going over this in his head and yet he didn't manage to think this through properly.  
  
“It’s okay, Sammy. You don’t have to say anything,” Dean offered him another small smile, which somehow managed to make him look even sadder. “I just want you to know...that no matter what, you’re my brother, okay? If you ever found yourself in an ugly situation and needed help...I-I’ll always...b-be there for you...” Dean’s voice failed him and two tears found their ways out of his eyes. He quickly looked down and wiped them away.  
  
Sam gaped at him with an open mouth. Was Dean serious? Sam was breaking the promise of not leaving ever again here and Dean just handed him the remains of his heart to take away with him.  
  
“Dean!” he exclaimed, because he desperately wanted Dean to understand, that he hadn't done anything wrong. That the wrong one here was Sam, because somehow he’d drawn the demons’ attention on himself and he was just trying to protect Dean. But instead of explanation, Sam just started crying. It was too overwhelming, the endlessness of Dean’s love and forgiveness towards him. Sam suddenly felt, that he should leave, because he didn't deserve to be in his presence.  
  
“Shh, it’s alright,” Dean touched Sam’s face to wipe away his tears. “You want to go and I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Just let me know you’re alright, every now and then? Okay, go ahead. Live your life,” Dean was still trying to smile as he pulled away his hand from Sam’s face.  
  
But Sam knew that if he closed the door behind him, Dean would break down. And suddenly he didn't think it was worth it. Dean didn't deserve to be left behind and hurt this way. Sam couldn't do it.  
  
Sam didn't have it in him to do what it took to keep his brother safe and that made him angry beyond reason.  
  
“Stop doing this!” he yelled and caught Dean’s wrist, before he managed to pull his hand all the way back. “Stop being so benevolent and willing to forgive me! Hate me, yell at me, punch me! Do anything but this!”  
  
“S-Sam what are you-“Dean seemed completely confused.  
Sam dropped his duffel, grabbed the collar of Dean’s shirt and shook him.  
  
“How am I supposed to protect you like this? Why won’t you let me save you?! I can’t-...if anything happens to you...what am I going to do?” Sam yelled in Dean’s face through the tears.  
  
Dean was completely dumbfounded. He just pulled Sam in to a hug and held him through the sobs that were shaking his body. Sam clutched the fabric of Dean’s shirt and cried out all the disappointment in himself, the hurt he’d been causing Dean, the fear for Dean’s life and the inability to do what was right.  
  
“Sam, what the hell is going on?” Dean pulled away after a while to look into Sam’s eyes.  
  
“They’re going to kill you!” Sam screamed frantically. “The demons will get you, because I can’t let you go! You’re going to die, because of me!”  
  
Sam was punching Dean’s shoulders half-heartedly, all the frustration flowing out of him in the process, leaving him to feel miserable.  
  
Dean sat them both down to the edge of their bed.  
  
“Is that why you were trying to leave? To keep me safe?”  
  
Sam nodded. Dean threw his head back and laughed.  
  
“It’s not funny, Dean! Your freaking  _life_ is in danger, how can you-how can you not care?”  
  
“I'm sorry Sam, it’s just...I thought you were leaving me, you know? I thought you didn't love me anymore. It feels like something huge and heavy just vanished from my chest.”  
  
When Sam looked at him, Dean’s eyes were shining. He truly was happy. There were demons after his ass and he was happy, even though or maybe because his brother couldn't protect him.  
  
“I have to leave! It’s the only way to protect you, Dean. I'm done watching you sacrifice for me over and over again. You’re not dying because of me. I won’t let you!”  
  
“I don’t want to die, Sam,” Dean smiled at him, cradling his face. “Saving you from those demons isn't s suicidal mission for me. How can I protect you if I'm dead?”  
  
Sam wanted to yell at him, that his life shouldn't be all about saving him, he even opened his mouth to speak up, but was stopped by Dean’s lips on his own. The kiss was soft, gentle and too short for Sam’s liking.  
  
“Tell me one thing, Sam,” Dean whispered. “If you were in my shoes and something threatened to kill you to get to me, would you back off and just let it?”  
  
“Of course not, how can you-“ Sam was raising his voice again. Just the thought of Dean believing in him so little hurt.  
  
“Exactly my point,” Dean interrupted. “I'm not letting them get to you either. We have to stick together and we’ll fight them all off, because I have your back and you have mine. Just because they say they want to kill me doesn't mean they will. Okay?”  
  
“But Dean, they’re  _demons_! How do we-“  
  
“ _Okay?_ ,” Dean repeated loudly.  
  
“Okay,” Sam nodded.  
  
“Good, that’s settled. Now get up so I can beat the crap out of you for trying to leave me. Did you even think?”  
  
Sam smiled sadly. Oh yeah, he  _did_ think. He just didn't have Dean’s insight on the thing. He was glad that Dean woke up, talked some sense into him and stopped him. He didn't know what he would do, once he got away from him.  
  
“Tomorrow, okay?” he smiled at Dean, leaned in and kissed him. The kiss was full of apologies, understanding and promises.  
  
“Let’s go back to bed now. Promise, I’ll be there, when you wake up.”  
  
“You better,” Dean muttered as they laid down and put the blanket over themselves.  
  
Dean wrapped his arms and legs around Sam protectively and possessively and Sam didn't mind it at all. He threaded his fingers with Dean’s and yawned.  
  
There were monsters in their past, their present and in their future, but Sam still felt safe, here in Dean’s arms. Dean was right. As long as they were together, they were pretty much invincible. Sam was stupid to ever think otherwise.  
  
And with that, he succumbed to sleep.


End file.
